I'm at a very specific juncture in my life. I have regrets and opportunities and decisions to catalogue. I've not done many of the things I'd hoped to have done by now, but dammit I've done some things I'd never dreamed of, too. I've not kept my word on several fronts (LA Novels project, anyone?) because some pretty incredible things presented themselves in lieu.
I've also somehow realized (with age?) that constant pursuit (of so many things) is not nearly as lovely as constant enjoyment of the present. As the list of those I've lost in my life grows ever longer, I'm finding a desire to simply be, not strive. To live, not document. To vibrate with the gift I've been given to choose among all this and find my own path. And reverse course. And find another. And switch paths again.
One of the downsides of these new in lieu opporutnities is that I've not read novels with any regularity this year. I have missed it deeply. I picked up a copy of Sheila Heti's How Should a Person Be? while on a recent work/think trip to Napa and though I've only been able to dip into it sporadically, it has given me jolts of joy.
Case in point:
We are all, I believe, seeking our play that will change the world. As I consider my options, I'll be here. Vibrating in my apartment, lucky I have the chance to consider my options at all.
"There's so much beauty in this world that it's hard to begin. There are no words with which to express my gratitude at having been given this one chance to live---if not Live. Let other people frequent the nightclubs in their tight-ass skirts and Live. I'm just sitting here, vibrating in my apartment, at having been given the chance to live.
I am writing a play. I am writing a play that is going to save the world. If it only saves three people, I will not be happy. If with this play the oil crisis is merely averted and our standard of living maintains itself at its current level, I will weep into my oatmeal."