Wrestling with the big, existential question has sucked the life out of me the past week. I'm not sure when it occurred to me, but sometime in the past eleven days, I had what at first seemed like a breakthrough idea: what if I'm a non-fiction writer at heart, not a fiction writer? A weight was lifted. Of course! Non-fiction! Makes sense, right? I blog. I write essays. I pseudo-report for LAist (I would never pretend to be a proper journalist, much as I try to adhere to journalistic standards and ethics in reporting). Ah, yes, non-fiction.
So. Much. Easier. Than. Fiction. (At least for me.)
Moments after this seemingly brilliant, albatross-removing concept presented itself before me, another thought darkened my door: "but...so does that mean...i'm not...ever going to write a novel?...and if not, well, what does that mean? am i okay with that?...because...i don't think i'd be okay with that...oh my god...never write a novel?...but, well, there'd be less pressure...less fretting...that would free up a hell of a lot of time and worry to do something else...but what else...what else matters this much?..."
I've been imagining what my life would be like without the desire to write fiction. I've been trying it on, seeing how it fits. And so, it has been silent here. As I sort out (for the umpteenth time) if I have it in me to slog through it all, to keep moving forward, even though I feel like sandbags weigh my ankles down with every step. As I tell myself again and again "If you were really meant to be a novelist, wouldn't you have written one by now?" It's a familiar refrain. I saved you the many blog posts about it because, well, you've heard it all before. This is hardly new territory.
Glimmers of hope:
- There Will Be Blood - I almost cried upon leaving the theater last night, not because the story moved me as much as it moved others, but because I was in the presence of so much greatness. That is storytelling. That is character. That is how more films could, and I'd argue, should, be made.
- The Wire - I'm not watching Season 5 yet (no TV), but am re-watching Seasons 1 - 4. Not new information, I know. But, damn. Such good writing I am both ashamed to call myself a writer and inspired to be better.
- Cheating at Canasta by William Trevor - I'm re-reading some of the stories. Not all of them do it for me, but my goodness when they do, it's like I'm watching greatness unfurl before me.
And so, I wrestle. More soon.
